Cam's Blog

Kevin Kelly, one of my heroes, wrote a blog post on his 68th birthday titled 68 Bits of Unsolicited Advice. With my 30th birthday approaching, I decided to take a crack at a similar type of post, but from my own experience.

Here are 30 bits of wisdom after 30 years of life (to be taken with a grain of salt). They’re in no particular order, but I’ve tried to choose the ones that have impacted me the most.

1. Keeping time and the long-term in perspective. Having some way in my life where I can regularly get perspective on the passing of time. Putting life events and chapters from 6 months ago into context with life today, and also with life a year ago and 5 years ago — is like seeing where I am on a map of life. It’s great for orienting myself and without it I can feel a bit lost.
2. Appreciation vs. Achievement. The latter brings me fleeting happiness. The former, when practiced regularly, brings me more lasting happiness.
3. We weren’t born to pay bills and die. As someone prone to workaholism, I have to remind myself of this.
4. Dancing with fear. I spent a good portion of my life where my behavior was driven by fear. Learning to dance with it, instead of sitting in the passenger seat letting it drive me, makes life much richer and instills in me a sense of pride.
5. Practicing mindfulness. Having some sort of mindfulness practice is like laying a proper foundation upon which to build and experience a life.
6. Moving my body. I never did love working out. But learning about the ways in which it helps us sleep and relieve stress has helped me accept (dare I say get excited about) moving my body in some sort of strenuous way as a daily practice.
7. Listening to intuition. My gut, very often, seems to know exactly what’s best for me if I pause and listen to it.
8. Writing to understand what I think. Journaling whenever I feel stressed, unclear, or confused is usually the quickest route to finding clarity and feeling better. Getting those worries out onto a page can really loosen their grip.
9. Embodying enough-ness. When I intentionally get in touch with a sense that not only do I have enough, but I myself am enough, I feel more relaxed and fulfilled.
10. Being cautious and conscientious on social media. Exercise daily use with caution — it can be draining and not particularly rewarding. When posting, I try to think of others and not just myself.
11. There are 2 kinds of “best days.” One is days spent with friends and loved ones, just enjoying. The other is days spent wrapped up in doing work that matters — in making a contribution to something bigger than myself.
12. We’re all creative. And letting go of what is “good” or “bad” or “creative” or “not creative” was the first step to realizing my creativity.
13. Voluntary simplicity. Often, choosing to do less is the secret to doing (and enjoying) more.
14. Cheerful pessimism. There’s so much uncertainty about the future, and high expectations are a one way ticket to disappointment-ville. Instead, pairing lowering expectations (a bit of pessimism) with a smile and sense of humor (cheerfulness), is a lot more satisfying. It ain’t easy though.
15. Empathy vs. Compassion. Empathy — feeling the feelings of others — is useful, but I have to be careful with it. Too much empathy can cause me unnecessary pain. Carrying the pain of others is a heavy burden. Compassion on the other hand — taking action to alleviate someone else’s suffering — is something I can do more of without necessarily carrying the weight (making it more sustainable).
16. Training myself to slow down. With a constant inertia of forward motion, slowing down takes significant effort, and even training in the form of mindfulness. Without this, this gift of life would pass me right by.
17. Practicing effective altruism. A group of people spent the last decade exploring the question, “How can I do the most good?”. What they found through years of research was that the world’s most effective charities (eg. the top 1% in terms of saving lives) do significantly more (think 10x +) good than the 99%, and by choosing to donate to the 1%, we can save way more lives for way less money. Learn more about effective altruism.
18. Just ask. There’s a tension involved with asking for what we want. So often I haven’t asked for what I want out of fear of rejection. But asking feels good, and you never know if you don’t ask.
19. Knowing when to show up. There are certain things in life that are difficult, unpleasant, and would be a hell of a lot easier not to do. It’s up to me to show up anyways when it really matters. Often that’s in the form of being there for friends and family when they need it.
20. Growth is a choice. Getting out of my comfort zone is the fastest route there.
21. Love is the bridge between you and everything. A Rumi quote that rings true for me.
22. Stories are all around us. The stories we tell ourselves and each other — we can change them and tell different (better) ones if we choose to.
23. In many aspects of our lives, we’re at the tail end. One of the most important insights of my 30 years — detailed in a blog post by Tim Urban. If you read it, it might change your life. It changed mine.
24. The joy of missing out. Embracing “JOMO” is the key to flipping the script on that dreadful and always present feeling of “FOMO.”
25. Starting with “Why?”. Getting in the habit of asking this question, and doing so in the early stages of things, helps me understand meanings and motivations. Without understanding why something is the way it is (or at least trying), I’m limited in how much I can truly understand it. The rewards of asking come when I ask it three or four or more times.
26. Change is the only constant. Life is uncomfortable when I resist it, and better when I embrace it.
27. Sonder. Recognizing that everyone around me is living a life as vivid and complex as my own. That everyone is experiencing some form of pain. And that we are not alone in all this.
28. There’s no getting around suffering through your low points. So you may as well allow yourself to truly enjoy your high points.
29. Never forget joy. It’s so easy to forget what joy feels like. And yet it’s so essential to life.
30. If there’s a chance to get barreled with your friends, take it. Couldn’t leave surfing out, right?

Every now and then, a journal entry comes together into something resembling decent prose worth sharing. I hope that this message, written to myself, can act as a guide for someone else as it does for me.

I am enough. I have enough. 

Can you embody that? 

What would that feel like? Describe it in detail.

It would feel freeing. Relaxing. Calming. Empowering. Liberating. Grounding. 

It would feel like love and acceptance. For myself and for others. 

It would be easier to recognize cravings — to practice mindfulness with them, and let them pass when they come up.

I’d really pause before accepting new things or adding new things in my life. I’d pause and ask myself, do I really need this? Where is this desire coming from? 

And I’d probably be a little more minimal overall.

I’d trust my intuition more about my intentions being good. Not questioning the ethics of my intentions quite so much. Believing and trusting more that they’re good. Good enough.

I’d feel a sense of JOMO (the joy of missing out). Of okayness with being quiet. Of hanging and having a quiet holiday weekend to myself while my friends are out living their lives.

I’d feel like, I’ve seen enough live music for one lifetime. I’ve traveled and surfed enough for one lifetime. I’ve gotten to really see and live alongside my friends and loved ones.

At this point, any more of these things I so love is just icing on the cake. A cherry on top.

I’d feel less of an urge to look at my phone for texts back from people. And let go of needing to craft perfect texts. 

I might shoot from the hip a bit more. 

I’d accept that, no matter how much I don’t want the feelings of not being enough, and of not having enough to come back, that they will. 

That they’ll come up over and over and over again. 

And that each time, I can simply remind myself of this. I can journal it out. Meditate. Exercise. Take a cold shower. Go for a walk. Go for a hike. Get in the ocean. Hang out with friends. 

Let the desires and yearnings and cravings subside. Just live and let my mind change. Let things evolve. Like they always are.

It would look very patient and accepting.

I’d be ever-aware of the hedonic treadmill.

I’d be, to an extent, embodying a small amount of “the one who knows.”

Fear of life and death would soften in its intensity.

Less worry would equate to more presence. And a richer, fuller-feeling life.  

Relationships are a dance. They’re an art. And any shot at creating a beautiful one is a chance to make good art.

Not all art projects work. And not all courting ends in partnership.

But you can’t create a masterpiece until you’ve put in the practice of making art. And you can’t create a meaningful and lasting relationship without putting in the time and effort, dancing with fear, and remaining patient and trusting.

All of which, are an art in and of themselves.

You know how sometimes you just feel like you’re forgetting something?

Something is missing and you can’t quite place it?

I began feeling this way in October. It wasn’t a physical thing that I felt was missing. It was a way of thinking.

Something I’d discovered before, but had forgotten.

It was a certain mindset that I knew I really wanted to pay attention to in this moment.

So I opened up this box where I keep notecards of passages from my favorite books. The box is inspired by Ryan Holiday’s “Commonplace Book.”

And sure enough I found what feels to be exactly what I was missing. 

It was like the second card I pulled. A quote from Jon Kabab-Zinn (author of the book I gift the most: Wherever You Go, There You Are). 

It reads:

You may try acting out of a deep knowing of “This is it.” Does it influence how you choose to proceed or respond? Is it possible for you to contemplate that in a very real way, this may actually be the best season, the best moment of your life? If that was so, what would it mean for you?

It’s a powerful question to sit with.

We have these forward-leaning, future looking tendencies. And as Kevin Kelly discovered when he pretended he had six months to live and wrote about it, having a future is part of our humanity.

It’s part of what makes us human.

But all of the forward-looking comes at a cost.

The cost is forgetting that, like Kabat-Zinn says, in a very real way, this might well be the best season, the best moment of our lives. 

It might not be. But for a lot of us, it might actually be.

What would that mean to you if it was? How would you be soaking it all in?

During a conversation with my uncle Mike yesterday, he told me about a lesson he used to teach his students.

The lesson was apart of the mental health portion of a class he taught for many years at San Pedro High School. The message was that the way to increase your self-confidence is to put yourself in situations that are out of your comfort zone.

Because once you take that step to raise your hand; to say I want in. I want to be on the student council. I want to take on that risky assignment. I want to commit to that new habbit…

Once you take that step, you might be uncomfortable, but you become the type of person who has done that before, and maybe, your self-confidence rises because of it.

You may begin to feel when you walk through the world that you’re a little more competent, a little more confident in your abilities.

And sure, you don’t feel Julia Roberts-confident overnight. But you might feel a twinge of well deserved respect for yourself.

It’s that twinge of respect for yourself that I think is so powerful. That feeling of overcoming fear you’ve held for so long. Releasing the tension you’ve always felt from knowing in your head you could do something (and really wanting it), but letting the fear hold you back.

If this is you (and it’s all of us), go there. Magic happens there.

Like Uncle, Like Nephew

Months before this conversation I’d written a note to myself: “Expanding my comfort zone is my life’s work.”

I wrote it down on my ever-growing list of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my twenties (the ones I’m documenting on this blog).

I’m not sure when I realized the importance of regularly getting outside my comfort zone (actually seeking it out), but it so firmly deserves to be on this list.

Thanks Uncle Mike for reminding that this is a lesson worth teaching and reminding ourselves of.